Digging: I struck fear.

I remember hearing my first counselor warn me. 

"When you change the dance, even if it's the right thing for you to do, others  are affected and get afraid. You're changing the dance."

She was talking about the cost of getting healthy. There is a cost. And it may seem really high, at first.

Here's a story from the book of Nehemiah: 

 Now when Sanballat and Tobiah and Geshem the Arab and the rest of our enemies heard that I had built the wall and that there was no breach left in it (although up to that time I had not set up the doors in the gates), 

Sanballat and Geshem sent to me, saying, “Come and let us meet together at Hakkephirim in the plain of Ono.” 

But they intended to do me harm.

And I sent messengers to them, saying, “I am doing a great work and I cannot come down. Why should the work stop while I leave it and come down to you?” 

And they sent to me four times in this way, and I answered them in the same manner. 

In the same way Sanballat for the fifth time sent his servant to me with an open letter in his hand. 

In it was written, “It is reported among the nations, and Geshem1 also says it, that you and the Jews intend to rebel; that is why you are building the wall. And according to these reports you wish to become their king. 

And you have also set up prophets to proclaim concerning you in Jerusalem, ‘There is a king in Judah.’ And now the king will hear of these reports. So now come and let us take counsel together.” 

Then I sent to him, saying, “No such things as you say have been done, for you are inventing them out of your own mind.” 

For they all wanted to frighten us, thinking, “Their hands will drop from the work, and it will not be done.” 

But now, O God,strengthen my hands.

Now when I went into the house of Shemaiah the son of Delaiah, son of Mehetabel, who was confined to his home, he said, “Let us meet together in the house of God, within the temple. Let us close the doors of the temple, for they are coming to kill you. They are coming to kill you by night.” 

But I said, “Should such a man as I run away? And what man such as I could go into the temple and live? I will not go in.” 

And I understood and saw that God had not sent him, but he had pronounced the prophecy against me because Tobiah and Sanballat had hired him. 

For this purpose he was hired, that I should be afraid and act in this way and sin, and so they could give me a bad name in order to taunt me. 

Remember Tobiah and Sanballat, O my God, according to these things that they did, and also the prophetess Noadiah and the rest of the prophets who wanted to make me afraid.

So the wall was finished on the twenty-fifth day of the month Elul, in fifty-two days. 

And when all our enemies heard of it, all the nations around us were afraid and fell greatly in their own esteem, for they perceived that this work had been accomplished with the help of our God. 

Moreover, in those days the nobles of Judah sent many letters to Tobiah, and Tobiah's letters came to them. 

For many in Judah were bound by oath to him, because he was the son-in-law of Shecaniah the son of Arah: and his son Jehohanan had taken the daughter of Meshullam the son of Berechiah as his wife. 

Also they spoke of his good deeds in my presence and reported my words to him. 

And Tobiah sent letters to make me afraid.  

 Nehemiah 6:1-19

___________________________________________________________________________

I remember hearing my first counselor warn me. 

"When you change the dance, even if it's the right thing for you to do, others  are affected and get afraid. You're changing the dance."

She was talking about the cost of getting healthy. There is a cost. And it may seem really high, at first.

You see relationships are like dancers. Each movement draws the other closer or further apart. Even minute changes to the dance upsets the balance.

Why change the dance at all then?

The dance may have been unhealthy. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. But the other person doesn't see it. When you start getting healthy, you see it clearly maybe for the first time. But the other person doesn't.

And they get scared. Fear produces a myriad of behaviors--not all alike either. Everyone deals with fear differently but our behavior reveals a lot about us, particularly when we are afraid.

Some of those behaviors include:

• Anger
• Blame
• Defensiveness 
• Justifying or rationalizing
• Demanding or High Expectations
• Feeling superior 
• Victimization or guilt
• Manipulation 

Just to name a few. 

This list is not a means to accuse others, or judge others. No, sorry.  

It is however a good way to identify these behaviors in ourselves, when we feel afraid. Change always has to start with us. 

So not fair. I get it. But it is what it is.

If you re-read the story above from Nehemiah, you will see several of those behaviors. But look at how Nehemiah handled it. That guy was super healthy.

Nehemiah saw it for what it was. Called it what is was. Held his boundaries on what he would do, or not do. And he kept on building anyway. 

Here's three ways I'm working on dealing with fear in my life:

• I can choose how I feel about being provoked to fear.
• I can be kind. And I can be firm.
• I can call out specific behavior designed to provoke fear. Not with an intent to change the other person, but with the intent to help myself NOT react negatively.

Fearful people want you fearful too. So they'll do just about anything to make you afraid with them. Scared people don't like to be scared alone.

Best response? Don't be provoked to fear. Yes, don't. Jesus says it often.  

Why? Because fear is a normal human emotion, and it exists to help us. But more often than not, fear is a huge hindrance.

But being provoked to fear has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with the person provoking it.  

So don't take the bait. That's all.

It is also the hardest thing to do ever, which is probably why Jesus reminded us so very often. 

Fear is completely paralyzing. But it can be overcome. 

Keep digging. Keep building. Keep trying. Keep studying. Keep dreaming. Keep moving. Keep looking for that job. Keep spending more and more time with your spouse or kids. Keep working on school or getting that promotion at work. Keep writing. Keep painting. Keep living the dream. Keep going. Just keep going. Keep at it.

Then suddenly you won't be as fearful anymore. You will actually begin to feel more compassion for others who may be struggling to "keep at it". Even when they frustrate you or hurt you. 

We are all human. We make mistakes. But people are watching how we respond.

Notice that the wall got built, and Nehemiah kept getting mean letters anyway. And people talking about him behind his back too. 

Nice.

Mean, fear producing letters happen. People will talk about people. It's all part of our human condition. 

But Jesus came to teach us that there is a better way. A way to be healthy and whole, in him, and through him. A way to be freed from fear; a way to find vibrant life. 

It may cost you something, at first. But trust me, the process is the best part to learning about love.

Keep digging.

Love has everything to do with it.

1 Corinthians 13:4-13New Living Translation (NLT)

4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

8 Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages[a] and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! 9 Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! 10 But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless.

11 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 12 Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.[b] All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

-------------------------------------------------------

A few days ago, I posted about love.

And today's lectionary reading from the Epistles was a continuation of that text. I have always found it interesting that Paul spends more time on what Love (divine love) is not. 

Divine love, like in my last post, does not need to demand nor justify itself. 

Divine love is clearly about these things:

Patience.
Kindness.
Truth.
Never gives up.
Never loses faith.
Hope.
Endurance.

Then in v.8, he brings it all home. What we do in this life, our stuff, our agenda, our gifts even, will one day become useless. And all that will be left is love.

So if we haven't, or didn't, love well. It seems to me we might have a problem.

Again, I think this whole love chapter is setting up a contrast between human love (other people are all about me getting what I want or need, or getting people to like me or affirm me, I need people to agree with me and accept me) to divine love (loving God and loving people is the purpose of living--divine love transcends human love and transforms our perspective).

We might need to get serious about this love business. 

And v. 11, gets to the how. In short, we need to grow up.

My therapist often reminds me that I am in fact a grown up. And I need to start choosing grown up behavior, rather than my internal five year old behaviors. We all have an internal rebel. The one that screams out loud when our way is blocked, or stopped, or intruded upon. 

But when we are adults, we need to start choosing better. And that needs both divine love to happen, and a good external source of truth input (counselor, mentor, therapist, etc). Someone that sees our behavior and says what it is. Not what we justify it to be. But what it is.

Is it easy to have someone show us our true behaviors? No.
Is it comfortable to be told we might be behaving like a child? Not at all.
Is it necessary to do this work? Yes. Not because I said so, or even because I have been intentionally leaning into this work. 

But because it seems God has work to do in me, and maybe in you too.
Combine truth with grace, and we are onto something.  

Love is all you need? 1 Corinthians 12-13

I think that statement depends on how we each define "love".

I mean, in our culture, love is a very broad definition and has an even broader usage in the English language.

I love my husband.

I love cats.

I love my job.

I love chick fil a waffle fries.

I love that vase.

I love God.

I love that hair color.

I love people.

We love objects, and we use "love" to identify the objects value for us.

We love human beings, and we use "love" to identify their value to us as well.

The problem is that sometimes we forget that the humans we love aren't objects designed for our benefit.

To love humans, we may need to remember that human love has limitations. Why? Because we tend to make people objects to fill voids in our emotional lives.

When I first got married, I wrongly idealized marriage on an emotional level. I expected my husband would make ME happy. Affirm me. Agree with me. Rescue me. Do for me. Talk to me. Meet my needs. Read my mind.  Which word is repeated there? Yeah, "me, mine and my".  So human love is very ego-centrally focused. It's all about me!

But here's how my marriage works in real life. I spend an inordinate amount of time adjusting my expectations of another human being, who has his own opinions, desires, thoughts and needs.  He does not exist for me. He exists because God created him. And God continues to see fit to help me and him, and every other human, learn that loving each other, and all those other people, requires a different kind of love.

Enter our text today: 1 Corinthians 12:27-13:3

12 

Now qyou are the body of Christ and individually rmembers of it. 28 And sGod has appointed in the church first tapostles, second uprophets, third teachers, then vmiracles, then wgifts of healing, xhelping, yadministrating, and vvarious kinds of tongues. 29 Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? 30 Do all possess gifts of healing? Do all speak with tongues? Do all interpret? 31 But zearnestly desire the higher gifts.

And I will show you a still more excellent way.

13

 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have aprophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, bso as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 cIf I give away all I have, and dif I deliver up my body to be burned,1 but have not love, I gain nothing.

Okay.  I love Paul's directness. He knows humans are egocentric. So he's hoping to help this church in Corinth.  He goes on to describe love in chp 13, but I want to stay here.

I hear this saying:  it doesn't matter how awesome you think you are,  even if you do super cool stuff. What matters is how you see people.  Objects or humans created by God, bearing the image of God?

This requires divine love.

Divine love does not require defending itself, justifying its existence, or declaring its power. Divine love doesn't need to prove itself by making you feel accepted, or valued. Divine love doesn't have to blame, scapegoat or point fingers. Divine love doesn't need to prove itself to others. Divine love is Divine, perfect.  And God has given us a way to love one another, in Christ.

Human love has all of the above needs and more.

I'm choosing divine love.

When a people turn

And the king commanded all the people, “Keep the Passover to the LORD your God, as it is written in this Book of the Covenant.” For no such Passover had been kept since the days of the judges who judged Israel, or during all the days of the kings of Israel or of the kings of Judah. But in the eighteenth year of King Josiah this Passover was kept to the LORD in Jerusalem.

(2 Kings 23:21-23 ESV)

_________________________________________________________
Today's reading from 2 Kings caught my attention. And though I continued on in reading the letter to the Corinthian church and reading the gospel of Matthew, I kept coming back to these two verses.

It was approximately 620BC. We have the benefit of hindsight but Josiah didn't, nor did Hilkiah, the high priest.  But if you do a google search on King Josiah timeline, you get a pretty good snapshot of what's happening for Israel.

In just a few decades after Josiah, Jerusalem is laid out flat.

What struck me about these verses is their brutal reality. I think that there are plenty good leaders, but what separates the good from the great is being that man or woman that says "Hey, let's take a look at what's really happening in (our organization, our institution, our team, our ministry team, our community, etc)"  And it takes courage--courage that seems to course through their veins revealing their willingness to be honest about problems, failures, struggles, dysfunction and own them.

That is courage to me, and I respect that. I think when we get honest with ourselves and others is when we can really begin to affect change--albeit slowly at times.

These verses declare that the Passover (a central climactic event in the history of the people of Israel and their relationship with God as deliverer and Savior) had NOT be celebrated for over 400 years. Even if it had been celebrated, Josiah, who became King at 8 years old, has no memory of it, and apparently nor does the High Priest.  Is that a problem?  I would think so.  So he gets all brutal reality when they find this Book of the Covenant in the Temple.

First, this is the Passover. In the history of Israel, this event is a pretty, significant event, and was one that was to be celebrated as a remembrance of God's deliverance and Saving power. It marks the beginning of Israel's freedom in God.

And it hadn't been celebrated for approximately 400 years, at least with regularity, as a people.  I imagine there were many homes and villages who did celebrate the Passover, but as far as Jerusalem being the symbolic center of faith in God, YHWH, the Passover had simply faded away with time and the distractions of running a nation.

Imagine with me how this might play out in our culture, today.  One that immediately comes to mind is the Pledge of Allegiance.  It is not my intent to argue the validity of saying the Pledge or not saying the Pledge, including "under God" or not including "under God"--that argument has plenty of blogs and articles devoted to both sides. What I think is interesting is that we need to see how something that defines our national identity is being transformed, or changed, or debated.

I wonder if the homes that celebrated Passover were horrified at the leadership of Judah (Israel split into two kingdoms in 900BC: Northern Kingdom was Israel, and Southern Kingdom was Judah) forgetting to celebrate Passover.

It would be like the United States government forgetting to celebrate the Fourth of July. How would that feel? Ok, so now you get what I mean about how the people may have felt!

So do you think there were people in Judah "up in arms" about the failure of their leadership regarding Passover, the central symbolic identity of the nation of Israel as a covenant people with God? I imagine so.

Imagine how it felt to be the High Priest? Like, man, that's YOUR JOB to make sure we don't forget this super important spiritual stuff! Can you hear the conversation in your head:

Hilkiah: "So Josiah, we, um, found this book today..." 

Bet that conversation went real well. 

So here comes Josiah. He finds this book with the help of his High Priest, who perhaps had some version of OCD and just had to get that Temple organized (complete fictionalizing here--so don't quote that has historical fact!). The interesting part is that Josiah determines to do something about it, and he is reputed to be the King who helped re-instate the Deuteuronomic code in 622BC at 18 years old. 18 years old!

So, to avoid a political debate about the state of our nation in the U.S., an 18 year old stood up and re-oriented a people to turn back to who they were. Their real identity. And in order to get back to that place, Josiah had to tell them the truth about where they currently were. Hilkiah didn't get fired apparently, but Josiah did start re-orienting an entire nation. And he started with himself and his area of influence.

How many of us want to declare that change is needed in our world? We all do. We all see that change is required, but what we often don't want to see is that ANY change has to start with us. We have to get unerringly and courageously honest with ourselves about our lives, our stuff, our triggers, our hangups, our bad habits, our forgetting.

And when we do that, we can move forward, equipped to turn the world upside down. That's what Josiah did. Now, here's the reality. Look again at that timeline. Did Josiah's determination to get honest with himself stop problems? No, it didn't.  Though he is credited with re-instating the key spiritual tenets of the Jewish faith for the nation, he still had to rely upon the people to turn around. He couldn't make them.

And the story goes that the people didn't turn, or perhaps the realization was needed for them to see that in their own sinful humanity, they couldn't. They couldn't make themselves right enough, or okay enough, or spiritual enough. But let's not jump to a place of safety and deliverance just yet.

Let's sit in the brutal reality of these verses. The people had turned away from celebrating their own deliverance from slavery.

What ways do we today turn away from celebrating or remembering ours?  And what could it take to help us get brutally honest with ourselves, and the people on our teams, in our families, in our marriages, with our kids? What could it take to get off the "blame train" or "it's not my fault" ride, or even "I'm above all of this" isolation?

What could could it mean to really dive deep into our shame, and come out stronger?

I know, I know. I hear you. It's hard. But, I've found that what's harder is not being true to who I am and who God has made me to be in Christ.

I'll leave you with this quote from Brene Brown:

“So much of what we hear today about courage is inflated and empty rhetoric that camouflages personal fears about one’s likability, ratings, and ability to maintain a level of comfort and status. We need more people who are willing to demonstrate what it looks like to risk and endure failure, disappointment, and regret—people willing to feel their own hurt instead of working it out on other people, people willing to own their stories, live their values, and keep showing up. I feel so lucky to have spent the past couple of years working with some true bada***s, from teachers and parents to CEOs, filmmakers, veterans, human-resource professionals, school counselors, and therapists. We’ll explore what they have in common as we move through the book, but here’s a teaser: They’re curious about the emotional world and they face discomfort straight-on.”
― Brené Brown, Rising Strong

Demons & Pigs (A reflection on Matthew 8:28-34)

There is a song that plays on the radio sometimes. The first few verses follow:

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold
When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood’s run stale
I wanna hide the truth
I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide
No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come
When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

The song is almost too raw. I mean do I really want to acknowledge my failures, or the failures of those who I have looked up to? I mean those people who had it all together, or at least I thought they did. But they didn't. They failed too. Some grander than others. And then I know deep down the truth of this song--demons prefer to be hidden. It's where they do the worst work. 

I am in a phase of life, nearing the end of my 43rd year, when I am growing into my weaknesses and strengths. This whole vulnerable thing is honestly whipping me. 

Most often in my life, I've run hot or cold, or mediocre warm. 

An old country song tape begins in my head, "My give a d*** got broke!" It's so much easier, that little girl thinks, just to climb into a corner, away from the world, lick her wounds and play Coldplay for hours. But then this too is not the answer, she knows. She's done that before, and it didn't work then so I hear Dr. Phil's voice in my head too (a child of our culture, right?), "How's that working for ya?"  So the victim, who licks her wounds, declaring the world is against her--she's inside me.

Or in the heated moments, I am astonished to see the kind of horrible person I can become. I have witnessed her. She is dangerous. Her tongue can slice a person in half, if given an millimeter of opening. She learned that from her upbringing; a household filled with verbal debates that trained a young child that the way of winning in this world is to be the loudest and the rightest. Exaggeration is fair. The more dramatic it sounds, even better.  And with a proper facial expression you can quiet a room. It's all in delivery; words can cut when they're properly sharpened. Words are far worse than actions sometimes; only sometimes though. Because honestly that actions of others is what trained me to hide behind this girl; the times I was ignored, set aside, or simply left to my own devices.  But that horrible loudmouth, demanding truth despite the cost, wants to be the winner, "don't you dare say I'm weak", girl--yeah, she's inside me too.

But the worst moments, are in mediocre warmth, when I desperately want to be valued, to be seen as okay enough. That's when the fake girl shows up. Pretending. Acting like she's impervious to pain. She's suddenly someone else. She'll do whatever it takes to keep control of the situation. To appease. To rescue. To make the situation better. She's inside me too. I really don't like her. But she's inside me too. 

These are my demons inside. Their nourishment? Shame. (Brene Brown nails it again and again!)

I've identified all of those "me's" with the help of a darn good therapist and some circumstances that have happened (I call them Divine Intersections) to help me apply my learning. 

Therapist calls it "reparative work". I call it being punched in the stomach, over and over. Whoever tells you that therapy is about encouragement is only telling you half the story; it's tough, internal work. 

It's like every coping mechanism I learned to survive this time on planet earth (the three "me's" I shared above) was being deconstructed. And well coping mechanisms are cool; our brains learn how to feel better by leaning too far into those roles. 

Therapist called it the triangle.  And I needed to get out of mine. 

Enter today's reading from Matthew 8:28-34: (this version is from the paraphrase, The Message)

The Madmen and the Pigs

They landed in the country of the Gadarenes and were met by two madmen, victims of demons, coming out of the cemetery. The men had terrorized the region for so long that no one considered it safe to walk down that stretch of road anymore. 

Seeing Jesus, the madmen screamed out, “What business do you have giving us a hard time? You’re the Son of God! You weren’t supposed to show up here yet!” 

Off in the distance a herd of pigs was browsing and rooting. The evil spirits begged Jesus, “If you kick us out of these men, let us live in the pigs.”

Jesus said, “Go ahead, but get out of here!” Crazed, the pigs stampeded over a cliff into the sea and drowned. Scared to death, the swineherds bolted. They told everyone back in town what had happened to the madmen and the pigs. Those who heard about it were angry about the drowned pigs. 

A mob formed and demanded that Jesus get out and not come back.

I love Eugene Peterson's translation of the "madmen" being "victims of demons".  In many ways, I was unable to travel into the deepest parts of me--the true me--because of the demons. Yet, I also supported their existence, in the sense that I never really knew they were there. Demons hide, remember? 

Until Jesus. And then the story shifts. The demons recognize Jesus--and know exactly who he is. And the weirdest part of the story for me is the "pigs".  I mean, what did those pigs do to you, demons? And Jesus, for real?! You're going to let them go into the pigs?!

But here's the irony for me. The madmen had survived with these demons. Had lived. Had also been a great harm to the people around them because of these demons. The pigs chose to go over the cliff, rather than live with that version of crazy. 

This is not saying that we should all go over cliffs because of our crazy. Not what I'm saying. 

But it seems to be that we live with demons that Jesus simply did not come to earth, live amongst us and die on the cross, and then be resurrected for us to have! Jesus came, lived and died so that we would have life. 

Jesus invites you and I to consider another way. And he provides Divine opportunities to look within and begin to navigate through the brokenness and shame of our souls.

So my triangle--the three me's inside of me. They're still there. But what's different is that the demon of shame is being dealt with. Like Brene Brown says, shame hates being called out. So I'm calling it out.

By living wholehearted. By living vulnerable.