Lectionary, 10/24/15: Curiousity inspires Trust

 Psalm 42

1 As a deer pants for flowing streams,
    so pants my soul for you, O God.
² My soul thirsts for God,
    for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?^[b]
3 My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
    “Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember,
    as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
    and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
    a multitude keeping festival.

⁵ Why are you cast down, O my soul,
    and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
    my salvation^{[c] 6} and my God.

My soul is cast down within me;
    therefore I remember you
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
    from Mount Mizar.
⁷ Deep calls to deep
    at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
    have gone over me.
⁸ By day the Lord commands his steadfast love,
    and at night his song is with me,
    a prayer to the God of my life.
⁹ I say to God, my rock:
    “Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
    because of the oppression of the enemy?”
¹⁰ As with a deadly wound in my bones,
    my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me all the day long,
    “Where is your God?”

¹¹ Why are you cast down, O my soul,
    and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
    my salvation and my God.

 _________________________________________________

This prayer, for it is indeed a prayer, is a personal favorite of mine. Today, perhaps for different reasons. This is how I know, deep down, that Scripture is living words from God. There will be plenty of reasons why we feel emotions; emotions so obvious here in this prayer. 

The wrestling. 

The struggle.

 The woundedness.

The grief. Grief that seems to overwhelm the pray-er of this prayer.

Yet, this pray-er likens himself to a deer.

Ok, really? A deer? 

Have you ever seen a deer in the wild?

One day, at a retreat center, in the middle of a suburb, I saw one.

She was standing in the middle of a wooded area. 

What drew her there perhaps?

The gently moving stream beneath the bridge upon which we stood?

She was thirsty?

She perhaps had come to drink. 

What struck me was the stillness. 

The solitude. 

The gentle presence of this creature.

There was no fanfare, no hooves sloshing about. 

She just appeared, quiet and still.

And she stood, looking at us for a long time. Similar to the picture above.

Then she was gone. As if she had just vanished. And though I continued to search for her in the small wooded area, she was gone as quickly as she had come.

I wonder if the reason why the pray-er of this prayer likened himself or herself to a deer for this reason.

There comes a point when the grief overwhelms us, when the struggling and wrestling just stops.

And there is stillness. Complete stillness.

I call it shut down. 

We are perhaps unable to pray.

Unable to eat. 
Unable to even shape the words in our minds, much less utter them.
We run out of ourselves.

The things of this world simply cannot fill the void.

A gaping hole, cut wide open.

And we at last call out to the One who can.

The questions in this prayer surprise me; the pray-er is curious, even. 
Curious enough about him or herself to ask the question--Why?

The question inspires trust, rather than our perhaps misplaced interpretation of the pray-ers desperation for God to fix the situation.  Rather the pray-er, I think, is getting curious about himself or herself.

Curiousity about our feelings, our stumblings and bumblings, our struggles is a great beginning.

Good digging, I think.

My Not-So-Special Brand of Crazy

I read it again. "You're not special."

So I typed back, "What do you mean?"

What followed was a sequence of dialogue that helped me and my friend understand each other better, and ourselves. She had heard those same words from someone else, and they had struck her the same way. And because either we are clinically insane and love internal pain and struggles, or we actually care about learning what it means to be healthy--like really healthy. Not just gym-healthy, but totally healthy.

What's important to remember here is before her three-worded pandora box, I was complaining. Whining, really. About all the crap that is required with this whole adult, healthy-functioning thing. Life is not easy. Work is hard. And internal work with a therapist is the equivalent of stabbing yourself with a hot poker--okay, that's a tad overdramatic. But it sucks.

I was whining.

She replies, "You're not special."  In other words--"you are not alone, you are not the only one suffering, hurting or wrestling. Your specific pain is not unusual or weird or unique. It is. And it sucks, and hurts. YES to all of that. And I am sorry you are hurting. But you are not special."

And you know what. She was right, and she still is.

It is even mroe unfortunate that we are immersed in a culture of a media onslaught (social media to commercials) telling us, yelling at us, screaming at us, "You are SO special."  Let us please stop feeding the monster--the monster of ME.

You know why? Because it's already hard enough to be told you're not special, to then listen to people insisting that you ARE special, when you know you're not. Deep down know, I mean.

I have a problem. I have giant, massive ego. I could blame it all on good reasons, but they don't matter. Now I know better, and know I am to do better.

That is all we can do is do our best, with what we know and the resources we have available to us. 

With God's help, I am not special. I am however deeply loved by God, and by other human beings in community.

We humans are all in this thing called being alive together.

And together, we can be something pretty special.

Tool to Living: get creative

The best way I am learning to be alive is to dive into creativity. It's what has always made me, me. 

I call this painting silence. It reminds me of the beauty of space and freedom. 

I love creating stuff. Anything really. I love digging deep. 

I see something that inspires me and I paint it. 

I listen to a song that touches me. And I want to see the lyrics. Create a still photo with the quote from it. 

I see and spend time with people who inspire me and I want to learn from them, to engage with them. They have much to teach me. I am finding I can become  intolerant with people who don't like to share their wisdom or insights. I'm working on that. But I think it's because I genuinely believe we have SO much to learn and SO little time to learn from

one another.

Humanity. The best part of our creative God. We are created to be together and be creative. To make stuff cool. And engaging. Interesting and real.

I will pursue that without apology. To together make creativity happen with other awesome human beings. All is grace.

Truth and Grace: A MOPS Bible Study

So today I stepped back into time, just for a couple of hours.

(Not because today is "Back to the Future" day either! If you didn't know, Marty McFly flew into the future arriving at our date today. I know, huge news.)

I was asked a couple of days ago by a good friend if I could sub for her bible study she leads.  She was substituting at a local elementary school that day, and she wasn't going to be able to be there. I was glad to help, and met her later that day to go over any details about the study.

It was a MOPS Bible Study. Even those words bring warm feelings to me, because they are part of my story. The story of how I came back to faith in God. It all started with MOPS.

The subject of the study was "Let. It. Go." After reading through it, I found the books author informed and funny--a good combination. She talked about our need for control and set up a structure of ways we can get at what "drives" control in each of us.

I sat down early this morning in the conference room.

That morning, I had a somewhat "last minute" email request to attend a video conference call about a college retreat before the bible study started. (Kudos to iPhones and cool apps--literally downloaded the app that morning so I could use my phone for the video conference, instead of having to sprint across campus to my office).  I was feeling frazzled and felt the well-oiled levers of control want to take over. I always like "being the boss" when I feel overwhelmed. I think it's how I convince myself I'm okay, or something?

I don't know but the "Boss" needs to not show up, particularly at the outset of a women's bible study group (that I was subbing for a good friend!) and on the first conference call to colleagues I had yet to really meet. So I took two deep breathes and joined the conference call.

The video conference call went great, ending just in time for one of the women to arrive.

Deep breathes must work, I whispered to myself internally. I felt at ease. Peaceful, even.

The study went along well as two more ladies arrived.

MOPS was helping them, and that brought waves of memories to me. Good ones. Sweet, difficult memories of my kids, as preschoolers and infants. The days where I thought I'd never make it the next MOPS meeting without going insane.  I listened to these women and was thankful for MOPS. What it did for me, and what it's doing for these women.

We kicked off the video that went with the curriculum, and it was really good, applicable information. I wrote notes even.

Then I heard two words rise up inside my heart--truth and grace.  They were strange to hear in that moment because the video was filled with lots of good information and stories, but nothing about those two terms, together.

I heard it again, almost audibly in my head. Truth and Grace.

So I am an orderly person, usually, and I wanted to follow the process that my friend had laid out for me. There was an order to this study. Video, then group questions. NOT Video, then Heather sharing something irrelevant to the video. I could have ignored it. But I didn't.

Truth and Grace. I had no idea what I was going to do or say about those two things, but I had a sense that it was all going to be fine.

Over the past several months, God has been teaching me much about my need for control, my need to be seen, and my fear of failure. And so much of my growth has been about getting truthful with me, and more graceful with others.

I walked up to the dry erase board, completely sure that I was supposed to do this, but not totally sure of what I was going to write even. Then as if God was drawing it out for me in my brain, I began to draw a large heart. And then a line down the center of the heart.

In the left section, I wrote TRUTH and in the right section, I wrote GRACE.

I then reminded the ladies of the author's teaching about our controlling roles--enabler, rescuer, victim, etc.  And then I began to write under the title in each section, how we can tend to behave in our roles, when we lean too far to the left or right.

For example, I tend to learn toward TRUTH. Where "rules", "process" and "law" tends to dwell, and what I label as being a "DOer". Controlling behavior from a TRUTH side, alone, can come across as very directive and dictator-type. Productivity, efficiency and effectiveness are key words for me, in this role, and I want things MY WAY.

And someone else I know shared she tends to lean toward the GRACE side. Where relational need, kindness and mercy tend to dwell, and what may be labeled as "Giver". Controlling behavior from a GRACE side alone can come across as enabling or rescuing behavior.  This person tends to look at the world from a place of compassion, from mercy, from a place where second chances are really important (all good things by the way!), but it can easily create problems with self-worth, self-care and even enabling negative behavior of a loved one.

Now, when I drew this heart, NONE of this was in my head. I just began to label each section and then I said now God desires us to be in the center of the two, and I drew a PLUS sign. When I saw that PLUS sign, I realized that that was to be the Cross.  The bridge between Truth and Grace, where the two MEET IN THE MIDDLE.

Staring at that +, I was stunned. I realized that God had something to say to me this morning, and to those women. That I though I was pre-wired to be a DOer, and my friend a GIVer,  Jesus had come, and saved us, through the cross, enabling us to be BOTH, if we chose to respond to his guidance through the Holy Spirit.

This journey is about TRUTH & GRACE. Not one or the other. Jesus embodied the two in his actions and in how he lived, and died, providing for us a way to be made whole again.

So the choice to live in the center of my heart is my new motto. It may require me to lean into the grace side of my heart, in order to grow; while my friend may need to lean into the truth side of hers, in order for her to grow.  But we are both growing in Christ.

What a day. And it's only 2pm.

Perhaps this is what God means when he reminds us that we find our living and our being completely in him.

Truth AND Grace.

Love is all you need? 1 Corinthians 12-13

I think that statement depends on how we each define "love".

I mean, in our culture, love is a very broad definition and has an even broader usage in the English language.

I love my husband.

I love cats.

I love my job.

I love chick fil a waffle fries.

I love that vase.

I love God.

I love that hair color.

I love people.

We love objects, and we use "love" to identify the objects value for us.

We love human beings, and we use "love" to identify their value to us as well.

The problem is that sometimes we forget that the humans we love aren't objects designed for our benefit.

To love humans, we may need to remember that human love has limitations. Why? Because we tend to make people objects to fill voids in our emotional lives.

When I first got married, I wrongly idealized marriage on an emotional level. I expected my husband would make ME happy. Affirm me. Agree with me. Rescue me. Do for me. Talk to me. Meet my needs. Read my mind.  Which word is repeated there? Yeah, "me, mine and my".  So human love is very ego-centrally focused. It's all about me!

But here's how my marriage works in real life. I spend an inordinate amount of time adjusting my expectations of another human being, who has his own opinions, desires, thoughts and needs.  He does not exist for me. He exists because God created him. And God continues to see fit to help me and him, and every other human, learn that loving each other, and all those other people, requires a different kind of love.

Enter our text today: 1 Corinthians 12:27-13:3

12 

Now qyou are the body of Christ and individually rmembers of it. 28 And sGod has appointed in the church first tapostles, second uprophets, third teachers, then vmiracles, then wgifts of healing, xhelping, yadministrating, and vvarious kinds of tongues. 29 Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? 30 Do all possess gifts of healing? Do all speak with tongues? Do all interpret? 31 But zearnestly desire the higher gifts.

And I will show you a still more excellent way.

13

 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have aprophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, bso as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 cIf I give away all I have, and dif I deliver up my body to be burned,1 but have not love, I gain nothing.

Okay.  I love Paul's directness. He knows humans are egocentric. So he's hoping to help this church in Corinth.  He goes on to describe love in chp 13, but I want to stay here.

I hear this saying:  it doesn't matter how awesome you think you are,  even if you do super cool stuff. What matters is how you see people.  Objects or humans created by God, bearing the image of God?

This requires divine love.

Divine love does not require defending itself, justifying its existence, or declaring its power. Divine love doesn't need to prove itself by making you feel accepted, or valued. Divine love doesn't have to blame, scapegoat or point fingers. Divine love doesn't need to prove itself to others. Divine love is Divine, perfect.  And God has given us a way to love one another, in Christ.

Human love has all of the above needs and more.

I'm choosing divine love.

On Becoming: Community

So if someone had told me 14 years ago that I would be a pastor, I would have laughed. Loudly. And obnoxiously. Not because I took issue with pastors, really. I never imagined myself to be someone spiritual, or even remotely religious (from a traditional, cultural sense). It just wasn't part of me.

Until 2001. Then everything went a bit haywire. That's what happened when my life intersected with a wonderful group of people, who happened to be Christians. You see, the people I met weren't anything like the Christians I saw on TV, or the faded memories from my family's short forays into church. They were normal. For the most part. And even when they were perhaps just a little weird (according to me anyway), they were totally okay with being weird. That's when I first realized that authenticity is really important to me. So there I was with normal, weird and probably a variety of other types, in a small room at a United Methodist Church. And it felt OK. That's when I began to learn about God, mostly by watching them. I wasn't raised in church, so much of what they said sounded foreign. But they helped me along the way. Sounds like community, right? It was great, and messy, and frustrating, and so very real.

That community led me to experience life-giving hope in God, and in myself. In my new role as a Mom, and my disconcerting role as Wife. That community walked with me, laughed with me, and cried with me. They stayed with me when my marriage fell apart, and they celebrated with me when my marriage was restored a year later. They played with my kids. They watched my kids. They were in my LIFE. That is community.

Lives intersecting with lives amidst the amazing grace of God that holds us all together in Christ.

We need each other. We just do. On good days, on bad days, on boring days, or frantic days, we need each other. The words of Genesis echo in my heart as I hear God say, "It is not good for man to be alone."  That wasn't just about marriage.  That was about doing life together with another human being. We somehow are shaped by being with one another--being with one another is risky, because sometimes it hurts, sometimes we argue, we bicker, we laugh, we cry, we fall apart, we yell, and we live.  Being with one another might require honesty, courage, risk and vulnerability. Being with one another might mean that we fail each other, or hurt each other. Being with another is sacred when all the barriers, the masks and the hurt egos fall aside, and we look one another in the heart with a desire to listen, learn and love. Being with another may trigger wounds from our past, and that too reveals our need for grace and healing and hope.

Community is sacred. When we choose to be with one another, in spite of our fears, God's ever-present grace joins us together in a mysterious, wonderful connection where life and hope dwells. Community helps us become.

I didn't think I'd be a pastor. But I am.

What is at work in your community that is helping you become?  If you don't have a community, what steps could you take to find it? It's risky, I know. But it's worth it.

On Becoming

Becoming is hard. Not in the sense of being born, or aging, or having another year fly by (like really FAST!), but in the sense of transforming--that internal expansion that can at one moment seem glorious and in the next, traumatic. Soul-work is what I have recently labeled it--and it is not easy.

I remember hearing a wise, wonderful woman share with a group of worn-out clergy about the soul. She compared it to a skittish animal in a wild woodland forest. When visitors come tromping through the wood, with loud bangs and bright flashlights, the soul scurries for safety, hiding until the unexpected foreigners depart. The soul is skittish, shy and profoundly vulnerable. It takes care and gentleness to even find the soul, long before you even begin to work with it. It may sound funny to say that we need to "find" our soul, but in my experience, I find that statement to be quite accurate.

My soul was well hidden behind all sorts of masked attempts to cover up my self-worth issues--also known as coping mechanisms, defense mechanisms, or whatever other psychological term you need to use.

My soul was excellent at survival though; consider this quote from Parker Palmer.

“Like a wild animal, the soul is tough, resilient, resourceful, savvy, and self-sufficient: it knows how to survive in hard places. I learned about these qualities during my bouts with depression. In that deadly darkness, the faculties I had always depended on collapsed. My intellect was useless; my emotions were dead; my will was impotent; my ego was shattered. But from time to time, deep in the thickets of my inner wilderness, I could sense the presence of something that knew how to stay alive even when the rest of me wanted to die. That something was my tough and tenacious soul.”

Parker J. Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life

How did I learn about this soul-work? Well, sadly, I wish I could say that seminary taught me all about soul-work.  Ironically, seminary struggles still to help students balance both spiritual formation and academic formation. Though it might seem to most that seminary would focus on the former, that is not the case in most cases.

Particularly for folks like me--my therapist said to me one day, after several appointments of getting to know me, "Heather, you have a high cognitive ability, and a very low emotional functioning ability." In normal words, "Heather, you cope with the world with your brain alot, but have very low emotional coping skills."

So, seminary worked well for me. Really well.

But in the realm of spiritual formation, somehow or another, I was missing something.  I read all the books. I even did all the suggested spiritual practices, like the books said. Something was missing. Though I hesitate to identify spiritual formation as simply "emotional" (that's a whole other blog post), I might explain that "emotional" here is better expressed as "vulnerable". And the current reigning expert on vulnerability, though I know there are more, is Brene Brown.

Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen. ~ Brené Brown

My becoming began, when I was invited into a circle of people, who also were trying to figure out who they were, and we all were invited to find our souls. And this work, as a word of caution, was at some cost. Cost to my ego, my perfectionism, my agenda, my plan. Finding my soul was both the best thing that happened to me, and the worst.

Finding my soul takes space. Space to reflect, to pause, to consider, to rest. To look and listen for God, away from the busy-ness and mind-numbing pace of life. To create space to hear God from a place of rest and openness. I had to choose to get off the hamster wheel of "doing" to experience "being".

Finding my soul took grace. The ever-present, mysterious grace of God in Christ that was with me, ever single step of the way, in the darkness and in the light. The grace that was with me on the hamster wheels of my life, and the grace that was with me when I chose to create space.

Finding my soul takes community. Together with other imperfect human beings, I found that at the core we all were searching for very similar things. Being, belonging, worth, identity, and authenticity. And we desperately need each other in this process.  Jesus didn't command us to just love God, but to also love one another. This latter part is one we often overlook or choose to forget. Perhaps because it's messy and hard. Well, people are imperfect. I choose to daily get over that and love them anyway.

Becoming is hard, but here's the best part. You don't really have to work at it; it's more about letting go.

Seminary Conversations

A conversation began like this: (these are not quotes--I am paraphrasing)

In response to a book by Scot McKnight., wherein he describes a "new" way to "do church"--inviting people to belong before they believe.  (Which then another peer added, in my hearing only, "Why do I keep hearing people say we DO church?" I responded, "I am not sure--we ARE the Church".  That made me pause as the conversation continued.)

Professor: "IF the emergent, emerging church movement is interested in bringing people to belonging BEFORE believing, why do they have such a problem with Christendom, which did the exact same thing?"
(Many leaders in the emergent church movement are anti-Christendom in their articulation of the church mission; thus the professor was asking why emerging leaders were identifying this as a new concept, when it wasn't new at all.)

Me: "People's perceptions of Christendom are usually focused on the more negative events associated with Christendom--slaughtering muslims in the name of Christ, for example. When people hear Christendom it is a negative term..."

Another Student: "But that is what many folks in the emergent church ARE trying to do, return to the early Church fathers and writings, in order to re-align the Church with the early Church"

Another Student:  "I mean, if people's perceptions of the term Christendom is negative.  Isn't it appropriate to articulate our Christian view in a way that does not bring of negative associations?"

Indeed, the questions continued.  Terminology such as "in" and "out" floated around the room, settling none to easily for many of the hearers, who demanded a definition of "in" or "out" in the context of Church. How do we know who is "in" or "out"?  What would Jesus say about those who were "in" and "out"? Should we demarcate groups of people in such a manner at all?  If the gospel is about transforming people into followers of Christ through God's Holy Spirit, then that is our call, our mission.  How then can we determine if people are "followers of Christ" or "not"?  These are the conversations occurring in seminary classrooms, and this class was no different.

Wow, time has flown by!

Hello all, who may have missed me, or may have NOT missed me. :) My blog has been rather inactive since my last post in January 2013.  It has been a CRAZY few months, including lots of medical issues and surgeries (for me! ugh!) as well as some great experiences, opportunities and plenty of God-sightings!

As you may, or may not, know, I am a youth pastor, and SUMMER can be summarized in one word easily--CHAOS!  Students have kept me busy since graduation and all through our awesome mission trip, summer camp and Monday Nights. It has been a BLAST.  I am just coming up for air after some much needed days off. Days OFF are after all designed by God.  He designed us for REST, and well, with SUMMER just over, I am low on "rest" days.  After a few days of decompressed, I feel almost "me" again.  And it feels great. So I thought I'd take a moment to update you all.

ONE:  In January, I shared about my new ELDER track status.  I appeared before DCOM in June, and I was APPROVED to appear before the "big board" (aka BOOM for my UM friends). I submit all of my "stuff" by September 1st, and hope to hear that they will accept my paperwork and invite me to appear before them in January. Yes! Thankful to God always for His patience and steadfast love, even when I feel like giving up.

TWO:  I mention "giving up" in the last point because it has been one tough few months. After two major surgeries, in February and April, I have been quite physically impaired.  And those who know me, they know that I can "muscle" through just about anything; unless the "muscle" part breaks down. Well, it happened. And I totally had to learn to depend upon God for strength and courage to keep moving...I am still learning this by the way.

THREE:  In the midst of all of this, I am SUPERBLY blessed to be a YOUTH PASTOR at Indian River City UMC.  These students totally have my hearts, and I pray that they know it (and thus be gentle with it). I adore students and college students as well, and I find that they teach me so much about life, grace and adaptability. Over the years, this student ministry has been through some tougher moments, and these students have handled it with grace, love and mercy. They teach me a lot. This past year and few months has been transformative for me in so many ways.  Thanks to the students who remind me why I do what I do--I can't imagine doing anything else with my life--sharing the hope and love of God in Jesus Christ. We had an AMAZING SUMMER and and awesome YOUTH WEEK 2013 #youthweek2013. I love you guys. Mean it.

What have I learned? Well, to start with--TRUST.  I have had to learn to flex the faith muscle called TRUST more than I ever have before. This I think is growth. GRACE--I have learned GRACE both given and received truly transforms the internal spiritual growth that God calls each of us to. It's a whole new level of love and care. Only God could teach this. And finally, HOPE.  Hope never dies because of my faith in Christ. He is a resurrected Lord, who is in Heaven, at this very moment, and who is FOR ME.  As I seek to follow after Jesus, he teaches me and guides me along the way--picks me back up when I fall, and welcomes me home after a hard day.  He never gives up on me. You know what that means then? I can never ever give up on any other human being on this planet. I am called to love people. Period. Loving people does not mean accepting or excusing their mistakes; it simply means loving them right where they are. That's what Jesus did, and that's I best do.

IN Christ,
Heather

Forward! 2013 is here.

"The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to keep still.”
15 Then the Lord said to Moses, “Why do you cry out to me? Tell the Israelites to go forward."

I can hardly believe that is has been over a year since I wrote in this blog.  My last post was December 2011.  Much has happened since then,  I have graduated from seminary (so I really should update the purpose of this blog), I got a job (as a youth pastor in my home church--awesomeness!), and I am now in the track to become an ELDER in the UMC.  If any of you knew me in seminary, you may be really familiar with my story of wanting to be a Deacon, not an Elder.  But alas, as I'm beginning to realize, God has His way at times, and despite my own ineptness or outright disobedience--both are adequate--I came to see things rather differently.  My eyesight was corrected.  So it took two years to realize it! Im human ya know! :)  My hope is to get my paperwork rewritten by March, submitted by April, and go before my district boards to hopefully be continued to BOOM (the big FL board that really makes the call on whether I am fit to be an Elder).

My point in wanting to share all of this today, this first day of January 2013, is because of the verse from Exodus above.  You see, there was about a two year span where I was called to stillness.  Those two years included lots of growth time, spiritually and intellectually.  Mission trips. Preaching. And some very dark times as well.  Yes, I was in seminary. Yes, I was engaged in a congregation of believers.  Yes, I was attentive to my family and husband, and friends. But, I was completely in a place of stillness with regard to my call.  I had no idea where I was going.  My last post described an ending--seminary. It also spoke of an uncertainty. An ambiguity that in many ways truly haunted me.  What was I going to do? Wasn't I supposed to be doing something? For God?  It was a still time...That just about drove me up the wall!!!

Then early in the new year 2012, things began to change.  Small things.  But evidence was showing that God was up to something.  Opportunities appeared. Doors seemingly dropped appeared out of nowhere, wide open.  At the time, I was oblivious to the bigger picture--the one that we call
hindsight.  I have the advantage; Heather, then, did not,  she traveled carefully. Prayerfully considering it all.  Could it be? Was God finally going to provide me an opportunity to MOVE ON? Could it be time?

It was time.  There was a time for stillness. Then I heard God say...FORWARD! And off I go. Still going.  Still stumbling,  Still Bumbling things up.  But I'm learning. Just like the Israelites.

There are times when I miss the stillness.  How it drove me mad back then...and how I crave it now,  so human are we.  So thankful should we be that this God of Grace would gently grow me. Sowing seeds in my soul along this way. I'm in work. We all are.  Fortunately, He is the gardener.  Let him tend me.  His way is best.

Stillness. Are you there? Then be still knowing that the dawn is coming, wrestle if you must. Argue. Complain.  This is our humanity revealed.  But never stop looking up to him. He is the good teacher. The good leader.

Forward.  Are you here? Perched and anxious to move. The door is open. Do you walk through?  Why walk?!  Run!!  He has made the way. Forward!

Are you in between? Ahh, this is the best place of all. And the worst.  Hold tight to him. Anticipating. Eager. Looking for the moment he says... Move! But don't rush this time. Patiently wait.  It's coming.

Most of all, no matter where you are, are you listening? Listening to Him who constantly speaks to us, and has forever spoken to us through the coming of Christ.

Peace.

One Adventure Ends, and another begins?

My last post was in September. And then all was quiet as my final semester at Asbury Theological Seminary began with the usual excitement and flurry. There is a measure of bittersweet that goes along with the word "final", embodied in the close of an experience, an exit from one place and hopefully towards another.  The former is quite real. Seminary is over. The latter is less evident. *smile*.  For I have absolutely no idea where I am going next in this adventure, this Calling.  Calling is a curious term, and is often utilized by seminarians, as we are all trying to be obedient to, discerning of, or, gasp, even managing our Callings. As some of my readers know, I spend an exorbitant amount of time reading the Greek New Testament, and having worked my way through John and into Matthew currently, I am increasingly made aware, by the Text, that though we are the instruments through which God has chosen to work through, He is the One who Calls.  You may say, "Well, duh!"  But you know, I think sometimes we get that backwards, implying in our language of "my Call" or "my ministry" that somehow it belongs to us, rather than a Divine source.  I don't think we like to admit that, do we? Perhaps that might reveal more about us than we would prefer to see--like looking in a mirror, that sometimes can be a little scary for some of us, realizing that "I am not in charge."

If God is the One who Calls us, are we listening? And if we are listening, are we preparing to go where He tells us to?  Time and time again, Jesus asks us to "listen" to him. But he doesn't stop there, Jesus speaks into our lives through the parables, those narratives that draw us into their sticky webs, wherein we see ourselves, in all the good and bad (more often unfortunately it is the bad).  He speaks so that we can see ourselves as we are now, and hopefully realize that He sees us quite beyond the "here" and "now".  Jesus saw such an opportunity with one particular person--a young man.  We likely know the story, "The Rich Young Man", but the Text doesn't start out that way in Matthew 19:16.  Rather the Text simply says that an indefinite "someone" came to Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good might I do that I might have eternal life?"

Couldn't that be anyone? You, me, your best friend, your enemy? I had a professor post a question yesterday on FB--"What is the big question in life?"  Perhaps this is one of them. In our culture, we like doing "good".  But what does "good" really mean? How do we determine what is "good" and what is not?

Jesus answers the indefinite person, "Why do you ask me about what is good?"
He could have stopped there, letting the indefinite person (you or I, or your cousin Harry) stew.  But he doesn't.

He adds, "There is one who is Good".

The adjective "good" is used in a substantive way, ὁ ἀγαθός, is "the one who is good" or "the good one". Many of the English translations add "only one who is good", which I think is quite effective as the εις, meaning "one", in combination with the 3ps "to be" verb, εστιν, seems to imply that translation.

Jesus continues..."IF (there's that annoying conditional language again) you desire to enter into life, keep the commandments!"


The indefinite person replies, "Which ones?" 


How real does this sound to us?  "I mean how good do really have to be to get in--can I do just a little bit good and still get my ticket to heaven? I mean "I haven't killed anybody...", what's the parameters here, Jesus?

Jesus replies (I wonder if he was smiling at this point) "not to kill, not to commit adultery, not to steal, not to lie, honoring ones parents, and loving your brother as yourself".  


Those are the second half of the Ten commandments, except the last one.  That one is from Leviticus 19.18. The Ten commandments are more than just a list of rules, right? They aren't just an ethical checklist, rather they are a means of learning to LOVE one another.  What commandments are missing that Jesus doesn't mention?

In vs. 20, suddenly, the speaker's identity is revealed (though not clearly yet)--a young man.

The young man says, "I have kept all these. What am I lacking?"  


Consider my question above. What commandments from the Ten Commandments are missing? Now this is just an observation on my part, but I find it quite ironic that the young man knows himself that he is lacking in something.  Obviously, he has come to Jesus looking for help with his life. Something is not right, and he knows it.  So he goes to ask the "Teacher"; but does he realize Who he is talking to? It would not be strange for a Jew to go to the synagogue or temple to speak to a "teacher". But then Jesus takes it to a whole new level.  He does what only Jesus can do--He hits the nail on the proverbial head.

Jesus answers, "If you desire to be complete (perfect), go and sell what you have and give it to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; then come and follow me!"


What is interesting is the structure of this dialogue--earlier he asked the indefinite person, "If you desire to enter into life..." but now he is asking, "If you desire to be complete (perfect)..."  This seems to imply that you can have a "good" life by just doing what you is required, but that is obviously not the ultimate goal. Following  God is the ultimate goal, but that goal comes with sacrifices.

The end of the conversation is disconcerting and unsettling. And rightly so.  The Text tells us that the young man had alot of land.  But before that revelation, the Text tells us that the young man "heard this word" and became sad. Perhaps because he had a great deal of property, which in today's terminology equates to a vast market share in perhaps Microsoft. :) He had a great deal of security and safety in the things he had, yet he had come to the Teacher because that evidently had not been enough.  Yet, it ends there.

The next scene in the story is Jesus informing the disciples of the burden of wealth, with particular regard for the difficulty of a wealthy person entering the Kingdom of God. Suddenly, the identity of the young man is associated with being rich, or wealthy, and suddenly the Kingdom of God is associated with "Following" Jesus. The young man could not--it was exceedingly difficult for him to let go of his stuff.  The Text doesn't tell us what the young man did, but obviously the story ends with a harsh note of sadness.  The disciples perhaps sensed this, asking in v. 25, in their amazement, "Then how can anyone be saved?"  It was a desperate situation, in the disciples eyes, for indeed many people had land. Land was like social security. Everyone had stuff; some more than others, but stuff was important to surviving.  This was a difficult lesson, not just for the young man, but for all of us. How can we be saved then?  We like our stuff! We need our stuff!

Jesus replies, "With man that is not possible, but with God everything is possible."  


Again, Jesus re-orients the disciples, and the readers, to the Source of All Things.  He is the One who Calls, who Leads, who Provides. And only He is Good.  Therefore, to be "good" is not enough in and of itself; Good, according to the Text, is only God.  Relationship with God is where we will find our Identity, and be called Righteous in Christ Jesus.

So, are we listening to what God has called us to do?  And if we are listening, are we prepared to Go, when he says Go? The young man could not for a variety of reasons that the Text doesn't share with us, but the illustration of his inability to follow Jesus is a powerful one.  The last line, "with God everything is possible", is our greatest hope--God isn't done with us yet. Thanks be to God.

Peace. And Merry Christmas. :)

Truth in the Church

I have heard it said that Christianity is an ideal value system, a great ethical and moral teacher, particularly for children. Honesty is a foremost ethical and moral issue in rearing children.  Children's first moral test is usually with regard to dishonesty (lying, stealing, etc).

Johnny, who has just turned 3 years old, has gotten into the cookie jar, without his Mommy's permission.  He knows it, and above all, Mommy sees the telltale signs of the remnants that trail directly behind the couch, where the dirty deed was done.

Johnny is oblivious to the trail, and equally so to the crumbs on his shirt and chocolate stains on his lips.

Mommy asks, "Johnny, did you get into the cookie jar?"

Johnny replies, wide-eyed and serious, "No, Mommy."

After many minutes of dialogue, Johnny refuses to admit that he had disobeyed his Mother.  When shown the cookies crumb trail, his eyes fill up and he gets very quiet and still.

The evidence of the misdeed is evident, even to this 3 year old.

Dishonesty is a moral and ethical issue, but I would challenge that it is much more than just a great value system, by which we determine who is "good" and who is "not good".

Johnny's choice to lie to his Mother was indeed a bad choice, but does his lying indicate that Johnny is not good? We would probably say that indeed Johnny is a young child, who must be taught truth.

So, back to where I began, if we say that Truth is important and we believe that Truth must be taught, then we must accept that our culture (in the U.S.) completely has warped the definition of truth.  Truth has become relative, meaning truth has become a personal experience.  What is true for one person may not be true for another. So, what is truth?  This question has been asked since the dawn of time, I believe.  This is where the Truth of God as revealed in the person of Jesus Christ becomes essential, for Christians.

It would seem that this is where the Church steps in--as Christians we are shaped and formed by the Truth of God revealed and manifest in the person of the message of Jesus Christ.  This Truth--salvation by faith in Jesus Christ--is what makes us Christian.  So, how is the American Christian Church doing with speaking truth? I think the Church in America struggles with defining and pursuing what I will call real, unbiased truth.  Because of our relative culture, we, as a society, have been taught, without realizing it, that we should not offend or upset other people with our opinions, even IF they are coming from a place of truth.  (Except if you're in the Media, but that's another blog!).  In general, we want to please people so that they will like us, because if people don't like us then we are not successful. I think this is happening a great deal with Christian individuals and Church communities.  Church leaders are successful in America if they produce a certain result--and that result is quantity.  The American way--the more you have, the better!

I want to ask a question of Church leaders and believers--where in the world did we get this idea that the measure of success with spiritual formation was to be in quantity? This simply is not a Biblical truth. Evidenced time and time again in the Gospels, Jesus' had many fans but few real followers. What does the Church want to produce--followers or fans? Do we want people to like us more than truth as revealed in Jesus Christ?  This issue of speaking truth directly correlates to how we want people to perceive us.  If we say what others want to hear, "to tickle their ears", then we are not being truthful to the message of Christ.  Christ came speaking truth in love, filled with mercy and grace, but it was truth all the same.  And in fact, the truth He spoke to the "church leaders" of his day was pretty hard.  Are we, as leaders, challenging one another to speak truth, in all categories of life? Are we dealing with conflict in a truthful manner, or are we simply ignoring issues or overlooking errors, simply because we don't know how to really speak truth?  Do we embody the Biblical principle of Truth? If we do not embody Truth, those who look to us for wisdom, guidance and discernment will not be able to embody it themselves.

Like Johnny's Mommy, she had to embody the real truth by showing him the cookie crumb trail, otherwise Johnny would have continued in his own self-deception.  She had to explain to him that Truth is an essential part of life, and it is integral to maintaining trust in relationships. Do we show one another the cookie crumb trails in our church communities and relationships, or do we cover them up with rationalizations or even judgment (criticizing others behind their back, gossip, etc) because our egos have been bruised or because we are afraid people won't like us anymore?  These behaviors are not the way in which we reveal truth to one another in God's Church.  In fact, the issue of honesty is what has caused many people to leave the church with the word "hypocrite" burned into their religious experience. What cookie crumb trails do we have in our communities, our relationships and our lives? What one's need to be revealed in truth? That old saying, "It is what it is," is one of my favorites.

My prayer is that truth in the American Church is defined according to the truth of Scripture, particularly the revelation of truth in Jesus Christ.  We intellectually like Jesus' idea and concepts and we love to be fans, but becoming a follower often requires a higher commitment to speaking truth, in all circumstances, despite the fear of rejection.  Remember, Jesus warned his disciples iat length, in the Gospel of John, about the rejection and pain that would come when they used His name.  In the Church, we need to stop trying to please others, and focus on pleasing God.  For when we please God, then God gives us the ability to truly love one another, even in the midst of conflict or confrontation.  The Church will always be full of folks who will make leadership difficult and challenging, yet if leaders speak truth with love, then perhaps there would be less time spend on cleaning up the messes and more time focused on building disciples for Christ.

For me, this has been the hardest lesson in my leadership experience, and it continues to be a hard reminder of the cost to truly surrender one's life to Christ.

I continue to be thankful for the spiritual Mothers and Mentors in my life who have shown me my own cookie trails, revealing and pointing out places in my life that needed the light of Truth. May I continue to embody the Truth of Christ Jesus with the help of God's Holy Spirit who fills me anew with God's graceful love each day.

Extraordinary God in the most Ordinary Place

I saw God yesterday, in the most ordinary place.  As I reclined in a chair, underneath a bright light, my mouth agape, I saw God yesterday at the dentist office. 

The conversation started with the nominal, surface question, "How are you today?" I replied with the obligatory, "Good, and you?". 

The dental technician was preparing the room for my examination.  Then she said, "I have to go to a funeral this weekend, and I'm not looking forward to it."  She continued to share in a real, vulnerable way that she disliked death. There was something about death that annoyed her, particularly those who were overemotional.  In her eyes, she felt like the people were in a better place, so why was everyone so sad?  I nodded, understanding her thoughts towards death. 

I could sense the Holy Spirit telling me to "listen--don't say much--just listen."  So I just listened, nodding an affirmation here and there, and maybe sharing some words of encouragement. Mostly I just listened.  She transistioned, as to perhaps leave the umcomfortable subject of death, to the relationship with her mother.  (At that point, warning bells began to sound in my ears and red lights flashed in my eyes, I knew God was doing something here)  She had not spoken to her mother for 2.5 years. And next week, her mother was coming to visit.

Reflections of the relationship with my mother over the past fifteen years began surfacing, and as I listened to this dear woman share her heart about her mother, the struggles they have had, and continue to have,  I could heard God gently, so full of Grace, and mercifully reminding me of a promise I had made to Him, and others.  In a matter of minutes, the woman and I had so much in common as we came to a point of similar reference in the middle of a dentist examination room--a most ordinary thing.  In those moments, we received something powerful and Holy--understanding and comfort, reassurance that we are not alone in our pain and loneliness. 

She was afraid of the visit with her mother;  I have been afraid to simply talk to my mother on the phone.
She was worried about her husband; as I have worried about my husband's opinion of my own mother.
She was concerned about her kids feelings; as I have also witnessed my kid's hearts harden, simply disenchanted by a grandmother they hardly know. 

So much she said resounded in my soul.  I could still sense the Holy Spirit asking me to simply listen--not share, as I and most people of God would be inclined to do, right?  (Perhaps my story could help her in this!).  I just listened and told her that I knew where she was, that I also struggled with my own relationship with my Mother and that I would pray for her.

The examination continued as the Dr. came into fill my cavity--and I watched, with my mouth agape, the sound of drilling and tools probing my mouth, God enter into that small space between the Dentist and the Technician, as they talked about how they probably weren't as aware of God as they should be. And I wanted to say, "You are more aware than you realize!" 

The procedure ended. The cavity was filled.  But my heart was wide open, my spirit alive in a new awareness of God's grace and mercy. 

I knew what I needed to do. I told the technician, for sadly I do not know her name, that I would pray for her (later I would be annoyed at myself for not knowing her name but God does).  I prayed as I drove home,  as I dialed my mother's number.  I left a message.  She called back. It was good to hear her voice.  It was good to talk to her. It was good to re-connect with the woman who shaped me and raised me and loved me.  It was good. I told her at the end that I enjoyed our talk, and that we should talk more. 

And maybe, just maybe, the dental technician's Mom will visit next week, and it also will be good, very good.  I want to see her again, if only to ask, "How did it go?" 

I understood more than she may ever realize the depth of her struggle, but God was making it crystal clear to me, in the most ordinary place and in the most ordinary way, that it was time to move forward, even if its scary.All of this happened in the most ordinary place for the most ordinary reason--I had a cavity and it needed to be filled.  Perhaps, Romans 8:28 could fit here, ironically? :) Even God can use an icky thing like a cavity to reveal His amazing Grace and Love!

I saw God yesterday in the most ordinary place.  Where have you seen God? 

It is only rarely on the mountaintop moments of life--though when they come, they are magnificent.  It is most often in the day-to-day stuff of living where He makes Himself known to us.  When we see Him there, we will be made suddenly aware of His Magnificent Grace and Love, as He meets us there in the ordinary places of life.

This devotion from Utmost from His Highest for today, I think, speaks to this quite well.  Peace,  my friends. In Christ.

"The angel in this passage did not give Elijah a vision, or explain the Scriptures to him, or do anything remarkable. He simply told Elijah to do a very ordinary thing, that is, to get up and eat. If we were never depressed, we would not be alive—only material things don’t suffer depression. If human beings were not capable of depression, we would have no capacity for happiness and exaltation. There are things in life that are designed to depress us; for example, things that are associated with death. Whenever you examine yourself, always take into account your capacity for depression.

When the Spirit of God comes to us, He does not give us glorious visions, but He tells us to do the most ordinary things imaginable. Depression tends to turn us away from the everyday things of God’s creation. But whenever God steps in, His inspiration is to do the most natural, simple things-things we would never have imagined God was in, but as we do them we find Him there. The inspiration that comes to us in this way is an initiative against depression. But we must take the first step and do it in the inspiration of God. If, however, we do something simply to overcome our depression, we will only deepen it. But when the Spirit of God leads us instinctively to do something, the moment we do it the depression is gone. As soon as we arise and obey, we enter a higher plane of life."

Polar Opposites: A Cultural Observation

Ever heard the saying, "Opposites attract"? Opposites are not a bad thing.  Opposites are what keep us in balance, as a culture and as a community.  In a way, they are the counter-weight that keeps us from being trapped in a boring, monotonous society.  Without opposite opinions, everyone would be saying the same thing. Without opposite writing styles, everyone would be writing the same way (Gah!!!).  Without opposite hair color, eye color, body shape and shoe style, we would lose all of that which makes us, humanity, diverse and beautiful.  Opposites are a meaningful context in our world.

I want to clarify this understanding of the positive of opposites first, in preparation for stating that I believe there is a state where opposites become oppositional, divisive and ineffective, counter-productive to the balanced measure of opposites mentioned above. The "opposites" that I refer to tend to surround the way in which people perceive/engage/interact with culture/opinion/commentaries, both political and social, etc. The word polar means "opposite in character or action", and in today's language, I would add that there is a conceptualization of an extreme associated with the term "polar" (i.e. "my husband is the polar opposite of me!").  Thus it seems to illustrate that when two opposites become polar in function there is a gap, or the lack of connection, between the two.

Side note: Obviously, objective observations like "light" and "dark" are not what I am referring to, though it could be perceived that even between those two objective observed realities there is no real gap, as there is a state observed  called "semi-dark" or "semi-light"?  Language and our articulation of the perceptions/observations of the world, and the things around us, are intrinsically complex in form and function, not to mention when additionally impacted by language, ethnicity, culture, worldview and geographic location! 

As a perpetual student, I have had the privilege of studying under some wonderful professors who over the past several years have shared  their knowledge, wisdom and experience, opening up a vast, ever-growing awareness of language, culture and worldview, specifically, though not exclusively, within the context of God and theology.  I might suggest that God and theology have been compartmentalized into the word, religion, and though I personally have come to appreciate the term, there are many who do not.  The term religion is often viewed or understood negatively, mostly due to its association with the institution of the church.  Therefore, another term, spirituality, has been used as a  handy replacement, and carries a distinctly generic sense with regard to God and our human interaction, or lack thereof, with God.  In this, I have observed that spirituality is often conceptualized as the polar opposite of religion.  With this conceptual opposition of religion, the association of church  falls into those opposing parameters, as well.  

This oppositional thinking is not only in theological contexts, but also in the context of morals, society and worldview.  In 1900, there was an understanding that moral formation was the responsibility of the educational system, as the culture, overall, seemed to believe that metaphysical and science could be compatible.  The systematization and ultimate autonomy of Modernity instead divided this worldview into two distinct polar opposites: metaphysical (God, higher powers, ethics/morals, truth, abstract theories, etc) and science (empirical data, facts, physical/concreteness).  Surprisingly, the very academic institutions, considered responsible for the moral formation of the individual and/or community, set the pursuit of moral formation (the well-roundedness of the individual within society) for the pursuit of a more systematized, linear science academia (engineers, scientists, accountants, doctors, teachers, etc). Today, in 2011, much of what we think about truth is rooted in this oppositional tension between metaphysical (subjective) and science (objective).  

Here's the rub: We don't like to think that really, do we?  We like to believe that we make our decisions alone, without outside influence.  The reality is that we are deeply affected by our culture, which shapes our worldview, therein affecting our decisions, opinions and ultimately the way in which we live our lives. From what brand of toothpaste we use to the car we drive, we are told what is good, usually in opposition to what is bad (the other brand of toothpaste or the other manufacturer of the car). So, we may have this way of understanding that if the one thing is "good" then the other thing, opposite of it, is "bad".

My point is this--I think today we live in a world of polar opposites.  We are told by the History Channel and the Science Channel and the News that the only truth is objective (science, archaeology, "proof-positive" truth, witnesses, etc).  

We live by that and often die by it as well.  

On the other hand, we are also deeply and profoundly spiritual beings, and we know it.  I asked a class of high school students this question, "What one thing do we really know everything about? I mean everything! We know how to be this one thing--it is really all we know!"  They didn't say anything at first, then one student piped up, "A person?" Ding, ding, ding!!! Yes,  a human being.  Our perceptions of the world are, of course, human perceptions, and ever since our feet hit the "ground" running, we have been seeking after that which we cannot define or understand, that which is beyond us.  We were wired for something more, and we know it! Adam and Eve knew it, and that is where the temptation lay in secret, waiting for them to take a bite off of the tree of knowledge. We humans love knowledge. We want to know everything.  And I think this is part of our DNA, our insatiable curiousity, that has wrought us wonderful scientific discoveries, and I pray many more to come.  However, there are some things that we simply will not be able to quantify, count or analyze--these are the things that are metaphysical.  Love, truth, wisdom, justice, hope, belief, family values, etc. are things that we do not fully understand in a concrete way, yet they exist.  They are a significant part of our human experience, and we all know that they are very, very true. 

For these as well, we live by and die by, as well, will we not?  So, why do you think we set up one, against another? 

Metaphysical, in today's world, cannot determine factual truth. Yet, we are a world that is deeply concerned with social justice.  We are a world that denies the existence of God in the revelation of Jesus Christ, the son of God, yet sees no issue of using all types of magical means (tarot cards, psychics, witchcraft, voodoo, etc) to help us figure out our future or to keep us safe. 

Do you see a problem here?  What do you say to someone who says  "I can't believe in God, but I am totally on board with asking Oprah to help me find "transcendence"? Really?  I do not want to seem critical, and I am sure I have already crossed that line, but we have got to figure out a way to get balance restored here. The polar opposites are so polar that they simply do not even make sense anymore.  

If a person says that they believe that truth is science, but that person is going to a psychic for truth, then what does that one really believe?

I believe in God and science.  I believe that they are more compatible than we are "told" they are, particularly by the media.  I believe in Jesus Christ, who was God incarnate in the flesh, died on the cross for the sins of the world, and then was resurrected.  I believe in the Church, even with the tumultuous history and her struggles, because there is nothing more profoundly formative then the body of believers gathering together, in prayer and in love, in Christ's name to honor and worship Him.  There are many who think opposite of me, and that is OK.  Opposites are good. Opposites provoke dialogue and debate, all healthy and productive experiences. I don't mind opposites at all. 

So you tell me, what do you think?

Want a New Perspective? Theology Matters!

It's Advent...and I have no hope!

Did that title catch you off guard?  Well, it should.  It is unsettling to read, and hear, those words; even moreso when such words come from one's own lips. Fortunately, they were said to a group of people whom I trust and love, and frankly people I knew could handle hearing it.  Seminary teaches you to hear things that challenge, unsettle and disorient without impulsive reactions; seminary teaches you to listen.  A favorite professor often said to simply "Show up and pay attention!".  Like the Psalms, seminary has been a cyclical experience of disorientation and reorientation for me.  And this day, I found myself lost in a dark forest and I needed someone to show me the way out.  I was disoriented and I felt hopeless.  Thus my exclamation, "It's Advent, and I have no HOPE!"  This wonderful group real people received it with laughter; they laughed because they know me well. I am a highly intense person with highly intense emotions, opinions, ideas, concepts, etc.  They know me; so they laughed not at me, but with me.  You see, I had spent much of the morning in an emotional storm, full of wet tears (not the sobbing kind of tears) but pouring tears. You know the difference, right?  There times to sob, and then there are times when tears flow like water.  Honestly, the pain blindsided me; something inside of me was breaking. There was a lesson to be had in the pain, in the tears, so when my friends laughed at my exclamation I laughed too.  I have often said during this seminary journey, with it's ups and downs, valleys, joys and glorious mountaintop moments (though those seem fewer anymore) these words: "I laugh because otherwise I would cry".  Yesterday, I cried. Then last night, I felt the prickling of pride in me became embarrassed at my tears, as if crying was a sign of weakness.  I had to fight that feeling, realizing that crying is a part of the human experience.  Ecclesiastes describes the states of being in relation to time: a time to cry, a time to laugh, and even a time to die.  Our humanity is something that we often do not want the world to see; our humanity is broken and fragile and ... weak.  Our culture tells that strength is defined in confidence, self-assurance and powerful demonstrations. Yet Paul tells us in Corinthians that power is defined in the symbol of the Cross--where a innocent man was killed, his clothes bartered over, and his body brutalized.  Something in us rebels against such a thought!  The Corinthians did, and so do we.  Something in me broke yesterday when I exclaimed, "It's Advent, and I have no hope!"  It was not the circumstance that brought the pain; it was something much deeper, much more profound.  Honestly, I am still trying to wrap my feeble brain around the nature of that "something", but I am looking to see the lesson.  I am listening rather than talking.  I am waiting rather than worrying. Another favorite professor said something along these lines, "I believe that we are created human and that should fully experience that humanity".  He was right.  Yesterday, I cried...a lot. Yesterday, I got broken, and I'm still breaking.  Today, I read words from Oswald Chambers, "Utmost" devotion, dated yesterday, Dec 2:



"It is a snare to imagine that God wants to make us perfect specimens of what He can do; God's purpose is to make us one with Himself. The emphasis of holiness movements is apt to be that God is producing specimens of holiness to put in His museum. If you go off on this idea of personal holiness, the dead-set of your life will not be for God, but for what you call the manifestation of God in your life. "It can never be God's will that I should be sick." If it was God's will to bruise His own Son, why should He not bruise you? The thing that tells for God is not your relevant consistency to an idea of what a saint should be, but your real vital relation to Jesus Christ, and your abandonment to Him whether you are well or ill.
Christian perfection is not, and never can be, human perfection. Christian perfection is the perfection of a relationship to God which shows itself amid the irrelevancies of human life. When you obey the call of Jesus Christ, the first thing that strikes you is the irrelevancy of the things you have to do, and the next thing that strikes you is the fact that other people seem to be living perfectly consistent lives. Such lives are apt to leave you with the idea that God is unnecessary, by human effort and devotion we can reach the standard God wants. In a fallen world this can never be done. I am called to live in perfect relation to God so that my life produces a longing after God in other lives, not admiration for myself. Thoughts about myself hinder my usefulness to God. God is not after perfecting me to be a specimen in His show-room; He is getting me to the place where He can use me. Let Him do what He likes" 

I was suddenly aware that God was re-teaching me something that I thought I "knew".   It is in our weakness that we are strong. I forgot that the incarnation of God was through a frail, weak, helpless baby, who needed his parents to care for him, to raise him.  Jesus cried. Jesus got hurt. Jesus felt rejection. Jesus felt betrayal.  Jesus knows where I am, and He knows where you are today.  He sometimes needs to break us down completely so that we may live more fully.  My exclamation yesterday, "It's Advent, and I have no hope!" was part of my breaking, but only so that I could some to say, "It's Advent, and there is always hope."

Peace friends.